Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob.
Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mable’s dead.”
“That’s terrible,” said Bob, “you think your wife is dead. Aren’t you sure?”
“Well,” responded Mike, “the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”
A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and figuring he might as well live it up a little he rented a 7-series BMW to go to the nearest golf course for a round of golf. On the way there he noticed that the car was low on gas and stopped at a small out-of-the-way gas station to fill up. The attendant was obviously impressed by the car and while the golfer was on the way to the men’s room the attendant noticed that he had dropped some small ‘things’ while he was getting out of the car. Not knowing what they were and hoping for a big tip, when the golfer returned to the car the attendant asked, “Excuse me sir, but are these yours?”
“Yes, thanks! Those are my tees.”
“What are they for?”
“They are to put my balls on when I’m driving”
“Damn German engineers think of everything don’t they?!”
Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.”
“Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”.
“Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
“Tom” sits in the clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered, “never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.”
A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over herd Toms words leaned across and said, “come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”
A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. “We usually don’t get golfers here you know, they swear too much,” he says to the golfer.
“I’ve only ever used fould language once, Sir,” the golfer replies.
“Tell me about it,” St. Peter says.
“Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods.”
“And that’s when you swore?” St. Peter asks.
“No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap.”
“And that’s when you swore?” St. Peter asks again.
“No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green.”
“And then you swore?” St. Peter asks impatiently.
“No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup.”
To this St. Peter exclaims, “Don’t tell me you missed the *&$%@#@#* six-inch putt.”
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.” The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt!”
A couple has a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”
“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I need to do it every day.”
“That’s OK,” he said, “we’ll just play dog leg lefts.”
There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, “I can’t go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress.”
So his friend replies, “I’ll go up and ask them.” When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend, “Small world”.